Dreams
Portraits inspired by Josh Ritter
For more than 20 years I have been listening to the music of Josh Ritter. He saw me through my teenage years, through love and heartbreak, through joy and sadness, all the big feelings a young man has while he navigates the murky waters of adulthood. He inspired me to create; to write music, to make photos, to draw and paint.
Now, in my mid-thirties, with a young family and too many chores, creativity is at a premium, as is the time to create. Though, as ever, Josh is always there with a new song, another piece of art, or just a joyful performance to remind me of the power of creating, no matter what.
in 2017, josh put out a record called Gathering, which quickly became of of my favourites. I remember listening to it on repeat while I painted the walls of the house I had just bought. A house I would have to sell during COVID to pay off the debts of my business, also shuttered by Covid. Track #7 on Gathering is a song called “Dreams”. For nearly a decade this song has haunted me. It stirred up something deeply uncomfortable in me, something I wanted to turn away from but couldn’t. For many years I viewed the song as a man exploring his own sense of good and evil, right and wrong, a man contemplating two different paths he could have taken, and why he took one over the other. I knew I needed to create a series of images about this song, and I began planning.
I wasn’t entirely wrong in this reading of the song, but mostly was. It wasn’t until this past year, after I was weeks into planning the shoot, that I heard Josh speak about the meaning behind the song. This song explores Josh’s relationship with Bipolar Disorder. As someone who is SO enthralled by the lyricism of great songwriters, I felt silly for not quite getting it, But maybe I did… at least a little. I have no experience with Bipolar Disorder, but I do have experience with Addiction, self-harm and depression. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this song hit me the way it did. After, some time re-listening, a new approach to the portrait series emerged, and I invite you to take a look at the images below. Each one is titled using a lyric from the song, and my interpretation can be found below each image. I will also create a carousel at the bottom in case you just want to see the images
A massive thank you to Jeff Maeck for playing the part of model so well, and to Timothy Muza for assisting. We had three hours to make all this happen, and I am really, really pleased with what we accomplished in that time.
To Josh Ritter, an endless and ever-expanding thank-you for all that you do. I know that my interpretation may not hit the mark for you, but I truly hope that you feel seen and heard through this work if you ever see it, and I hope it feels like it honours the spirit of the song, while being respectful of the seriousness and realities of mental health.
I could go on forever, but let’s wrap it up,
Chiokoe Utte-‘Essia,
Chris Tellez
“All That I Felt On The First Time It Happened Was The Feeling Of Something Bad Coming True”
Speaking of Dreams; This line always reminds me of a recurring dream I had as a child. It was vivd but amorphous, I couldn’t describe it other than to say that I always knew what it meant; It was all over, my life, my families lives, the world; everything in the dream went dark and hollow. I would wake up terrified and sit in the bathroom. Something about the brightness, the whiteness, it made it feel less real. That sense of hollowness and dread was what I hope for this photo.
“Dreams A-Keep-A-Comin’ But The Dream Done Gone”
The chorus of the song is a repetition of the line “Dreams a keep a comin’ but the dream done gone”. That sense of recurrence, feeling unsure of whats real and whats not, moving through life half awake or half asleep. Okay, maybe this is a little to high-school art project.
“But I was Lonely and Dark As The Moons Around Saturn”
Stick with me on this one. Saturn has 274 moons.. To feel alone and dark, while surrounded by so many others, that is a feeling that not only deeply speaks to me, but I think emphasizes the complicated reality of one suffering through mental health issues. It’s a lonesome experience. Now, as for the image, in the iris and pupil of Jeff, there is a reflection of one of the moons of Saturn named Hyperion. Hyperion was a Greek Titan, the God of Heavenly Light, watchfulness and wisdom. “The Pillar of The East”, Hyperion was one of stability. However, in the great cosmic joke of it all, the moon Hyperion has an irregular shape, and its orbit is chaotic and constantly changing. This duality between its nature and its namesake is what I wanted to play with here.
“And She took my portrait as well as she could do, with someone who seemed to be not there at all”
This image required making a plate of the empty chair reflected in the mirror and then having Jeff sit in for a second photo, allowing me to remove his reflection from the image. Its lonely, its somber and yeah, its a bit too literal, I know. Maybe Jeff is a Vampire.
“But like every man who finds out he is drowning, i held on to her heart until i just wore her out”
This is the only image of Jeff with his wedding band. I’ve felt this idea before. Grasping to someone to make sense of it all, to keep you above, only to drown them alongside you. The ring is placed off the coast of Morecambe Bay, where in 2004, 23 Chinese migrant workers drowned while navigating the unfamiliar waters. They were brought into conditions they could not navigate on their own, exploited by criminal gangs to work in deadly conditions. Josh has spoken many times on the plight of immigrants, workers and other minorities and this felt like a fitting Easter Egg in the narrative of the song. Also gently referring to later lyrics surrounding the death of a boat salesman? who knows, it’s art.
“But I carried the sadness upon which even the old ways reached their limits of power and could not defend”
I don’t which old ways Josh is speaking of… Is it the persons own old ways? Drinking? Promiscuity? Gambling? Drugs? or is it a greater, deeper, more engrained part of our society? Well, in the structure of the song, we know that character had found and lost religion, and in this portrait I wanted to nod towards the idea of both turning your back on Christianity, while also holding onto some kind of hope that it may save you. Also, Jeff looks sad, right?
“When i was up I was so high up above, that the whole world appeared to me electric and thrilling, with the Fineness Of Lightning and The Sweet Milk Of Love”
I can’t speak to Josh’s experience, but for many experiencing the highs of Bipolar Disorder, there is often a description of Delusions of Grandeur; a feeling of ones own greatness, uniqueness and higher calling, even so far as to feel God-like. Again, I only know what I’ve read, so I don’t mean to speak out of turn, but I wanted to create and image that may give this sense.
“can i outstrip a creator who searches and finds me, then leaves me with demons that I already have?”
These were somewhat inspired by a condition called “Prosopometamorphopsia” in which peoples faces seem to distort into ‘demon-like” shapes. It is important to note that it does not have anything to do with Bipolar Disorder. However, after working with some slow shutter portraits I was struck by the uneasiness created by some of the faces, and it reminded me of this condition. Feeling trapped in oneself with whatever demons are plaguing you, hoping to find a way out.
“She gave me a bottle and i took what was in it, the stuff in my bloodstream started to rattle and fizz”
Not a whole lot to say here; there is a distortion one the outer portions of each frame, meant to help mimic the idea of that rattling and fizzing in owns body through the medication. Like Alka-Seltzer promised “Plop Plop, Fizz Fizz, Oh, what a relief it is!”
